Wednesday, June 04, 2003
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
The last few weeks have brought so many changes into my life. At times it felt as though the changes were too dramatic and a bit daunting. But I am starting to settle into the new and hopefully improved, Joe. I haven’t had a “down day” in a couple of weeks. My emotions have been much calmer and easier to control and my head doesn’t feel nearly as cloudy as it has since I moved into Times Square. I am starting to achieve the seemingly impossible task of becoming focused on both my personal life and career. I am trying to learn how to take things day by day. I am trying not to stress so much about unnecessary bullshit. I am trying, more than ever, to be the best Joe I can be.
Last night I spent the evening with Ahmad. We didn’t end up going out to a nice dinner because we were having way too much fun drinking wine and smoking the Gangia. We hung out at my apartment for awhile and then we went back to his place to talk and hang some more. The night went more smoothly than it has in the past. There wasn’t pressure on me to like him as much as he likes me and we both took everything very slowly. We treated each other as friends and that was it. I laughed with him and I shared with him. It wasn’t until we went to bed (3am - ugh) that we began to kiss and touch and become intimate.
The problem is that Ahmad has an unbelievable body. While I know that I need to avoid physical intimacy with him right now, it is very hard to do when I just want to squeeze and feel his amazing pecs and arms. And can I say again how amazingly this kid kisses?? From his lips to his hands, he is gentle, but strong. (I am getting hard just writing about it.) He holds me and I feel safe with him. In bed, he is total man and I couldn’t ask for anything more. But I also have to keep in mind that his feelings for me are progressing a lot faster than my feelings for him. I have to remember that or the last kiss I will have with him will be us kissing our friendship goodbye.
When Ahmad showed up at my apartment last night, he brought me a present. It was a book called The Muslim Jesus. On our first date, we had discussed the differences between Islam and Christianity and I was surprised to find out that they have a lot more in common than I previously thought. The only HUGE difference is that Muslims believe in Jesus Christ as a prophet. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. While Ahmad is a semi-practicing Muslim, I find him to be very open-minded when it comes to listening and understanding other people’s religious points of views. I have a lot of personal conviction when it comes to discussions about God and Jesus and heaven, etc. He totally respects my opinions and has an honest interest in what I have to say. Gosh, he is a wonderful conversationalist.
At no point did I think about Paul last night. Ok, maybe once or twice, but it wasn’t nearly as heartbreaking as it was for me two weeks ago. I like the direction that Ahmad and my relationship is going. It feels easier now and without any of the previous pressure to fall in love, get married, and have 16 gay babies. One day at a time. Or something equally as generic.
I am out of the office for most of the day today due to our annual staff lunch. Ari and I are both dreading it. We would rather have our own lunch break and do our own thing. I think the part that pisses me off the most is that over the next two weeks, our “contracts of employment” are up for review and that means “Raise Time”. Ari and I are both asking for more money than we will get. And the worst part about it is that the money we are asking for is not out of the question at all. If anything, we both deserve it, hands down. But instead of giving us a good raise, my bosses will do as they have done in the past. They will give us a 3-5% raise and a lunch out at a cheap Middle Eastern restaurant. Rock! And also, Fuck! Whatever. I am eating my weight in hummus today. That’ll show em.
I missed the premiere of The Real World: Paris last night. I will have to catch it this weekend in repeats. I did find out, however, where they are filming the NEXT Real World. SAN DIEGO! Now THAT will be a great house. Finally some place new and some place interesting. Mary Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray can take Las Vegas and shove it up their ass. E gads. I hope they don’t “Google” their names and find out that I wrote that. I just love those two.
What does a cannibal call a phone book? Well? What is it? Alright, be lazy…I will tell you. A menu!
A HAR HAR HAR HAR. A YUK YUK YUK YUK. A snore.
I like my new template. It makes me feel clean and pretty. And if you put your nose up close to your computer screen, it smells like Bubblicious. Go ahead…try it.
Yum, right? Total yum. But not Bubble Yum. Bubbalicious!
Alright…I have to go be Jewish now. The Rabbis are ready to go eat some Babaganoush!
Shalom to you and yours.
The last few weeks have brought so many changes into my life. At times it felt as though the changes were too dramatic and a bit daunting. But I am starting to settle into the new and hopefully improved, Joe. I haven’t had a “down day” in a couple of weeks. My emotions have been much calmer and easier to control and my head doesn’t feel nearly as cloudy as it has since I moved into Times Square. I am starting to achieve the seemingly impossible task of becoming focused on both my personal life and career. I am trying to learn how to take things day by day. I am trying not to stress so much about unnecessary bullshit. I am trying, more than ever, to be the best Joe I can be.
Last night I spent the evening with Ahmad. We didn’t end up going out to a nice dinner because we were having way too much fun drinking wine and smoking the Gangia. We hung out at my apartment for awhile and then we went back to his place to talk and hang some more. The night went more smoothly than it has in the past. There wasn’t pressure on me to like him as much as he likes me and we both took everything very slowly. We treated each other as friends and that was it. I laughed with him and I shared with him. It wasn’t until we went to bed (3am - ugh) that we began to kiss and touch and become intimate.
The problem is that Ahmad has an unbelievable body. While I know that I need to avoid physical intimacy with him right now, it is very hard to do when I just want to squeeze and feel his amazing pecs and arms. And can I say again how amazingly this kid kisses?? From his lips to his hands, he is gentle, but strong. (I am getting hard just writing about it.) He holds me and I feel safe with him. In bed, he is total man and I couldn’t ask for anything more. But I also have to keep in mind that his feelings for me are progressing a lot faster than my feelings for him. I have to remember that or the last kiss I will have with him will be us kissing our friendship goodbye.
When Ahmad showed up at my apartment last night, he brought me a present. It was a book called The Muslim Jesus. On our first date, we had discussed the differences between Islam and Christianity and I was surprised to find out that they have a lot more in common than I previously thought. The only HUGE difference is that Muslims believe in Jesus Christ as a prophet. I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. While Ahmad is a semi-practicing Muslim, I find him to be very open-minded when it comes to listening and understanding other people’s religious points of views. I have a lot of personal conviction when it comes to discussions about God and Jesus and heaven, etc. He totally respects my opinions and has an honest interest in what I have to say. Gosh, he is a wonderful conversationalist.
At no point did I think about Paul last night. Ok, maybe once or twice, but it wasn’t nearly as heartbreaking as it was for me two weeks ago. I like the direction that Ahmad and my relationship is going. It feels easier now and without any of the previous pressure to fall in love, get married, and have 16 gay babies. One day at a time. Or something equally as generic.
I am out of the office for most of the day today due to our annual staff lunch. Ari and I are both dreading it. We would rather have our own lunch break and do our own thing. I think the part that pisses me off the most is that over the next two weeks, our “contracts of employment” are up for review and that means “Raise Time”. Ari and I are both asking for more money than we will get. And the worst part about it is that the money we are asking for is not out of the question at all. If anything, we both deserve it, hands down. But instead of giving us a good raise, my bosses will do as they have done in the past. They will give us a 3-5% raise and a lunch out at a cheap Middle Eastern restaurant. Rock! And also, Fuck! Whatever. I am eating my weight in hummus today. That’ll show em.
I missed the premiere of The Real World: Paris last night. I will have to catch it this weekend in repeats. I did find out, however, where they are filming the NEXT Real World. SAN DIEGO! Now THAT will be a great house. Finally some place new and some place interesting. Mary Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray can take Las Vegas and shove it up their ass. E gads. I hope they don’t “Google” their names and find out that I wrote that. I just love those two.
What does a cannibal call a phone book? Well? What is it? Alright, be lazy…I will tell you. A menu!
A HAR HAR HAR HAR. A YUK YUK YUK YUK. A snore.
I like my new template. It makes me feel clean and pretty. And if you put your nose up close to your computer screen, it smells like Bubblicious. Go ahead…try it.
Yum, right? Total yum. But not Bubble Yum. Bubbalicious!
Alright…I have to go be Jewish now. The Rabbis are ready to go eat some Babaganoush!
Shalom to you and yours.
